My changing world...

It's been quite some times since I got back from Vientiane, and there are days that I still miss it. A while back I got to talk to Soukanh and the kiddos for a bit, it made my life so much brighter!!

The last few months, at least since the beginning of the year I have had this urge to get out on my own.. to live on my own and do things the way that I see fit. Well, since I haven't honestly done this in the past it's been a VERY difficult change.
Will, who was my boyfriend and also the man I lived with, was the sacrifice I had to make to see where my life could and should go.
While he doesn't understand, and there are times when I'm not sure I do either, I do believe this is for the best. I do think that I need to be on my own, doing my own thing and having adventures that are mine to cherish.

So, this is week one of my new apartment. I do have a roommate, he is a co-worker of mine but we aren't living together in the same way that Will and I were.
It's been a very strange and slightly difficult week, I feel like a stranger in a strange place. The apartment feels temporary, and I suppose in a way it is.
I'm used to having a place that I called "home", and now it's just another place to live. It's something that I am learning to deal with, which is good! I am hoping to gain lots of experiences out of this and learn more about myself.

I'm not sure where my road is going to go.
I'm looking for a new job, one that better supports the fact that I am on my own, and I'm enrolled in school for the fall.
I'm ready to get my life started. I'm ready to know that I am able to do anything and face anything that comes my way.
I'm going to start working on my music again, it's been neglected for quite some time now.

I think I'll miss the life that I had been living, right now I know I do. There are things that I suppose we take for granted until the aren't there anymore. I do realize that I took those things away from myself... and to me there was good reason. So now it's time to live with the choices that I've made and keep on trucking.

I am eager to see how things, or IF things change for me.

I miss it.
The way the air smelled after the rain. The way there was NO way to keep your feet clean no matter what you did.
The fact that every night there was a perfect sunset.
I miss the food.
I miss the way it felt to be oblivious to what people thought about you other than that you were "falang".
I miss the way there always new roads I hadn't discovered yet. There was always someplace to go, and all more beautiful than the last... if only beautiful in sadness.
I miss the fact that people went places but were never rushed.
I miss the noise. Then I miss the stillness.
I miss the way I felt when I looked at the sky from my balcony at night - it was perfection.
I miss the cigarettes, and I even quit smoking!!
I miss the food. The way there were a million different foods and flavors I've never tried... and the fact that I was brave enough for a moment to try them.
I miss walking down the street and thinkng "what do I want to do today.."
Some days I would shop, some days I would spend hours in a "Wat" just to feel the peace that exudes from their place of worship.

Out of all the places on the planet that I could have spent 10 months of my life... never did I imagine that one of the poorest and smallest countries out there could capture my heart.

There are many things I miss... each day something new pops up that I once thought I forgot about. Good memories. Memories that I have a hard time dealing with because I feel my time was cut short...
But I have those memories, and for that I am thankful.

Life is this crazy/beautiful ride that I REALLY don't understand.
There will probably be a day when I look back at my life as I do my time in Laos... all together too short. Taken too soon, not as much accomplished but SO many memories.
I have to learn to love my memories instead of allowing them to haunt me.

Life is what we make it.